Funny To A Point – Horizon Zero Dawn? More Like Horizon Zero Daaaang!

Jeff Marchiafava

Now that I've set a new low bar for FTAP headlines, let's talk about how awesome Horizon is, shall we? Like many gamers, I've been looking forward to Horizon Zero Dawn ever since its reveal at E3 2015. The gender politics of the Nora tribe and Aloy's role in the matriarchal society as an outcast had my mind brimming with possibilities.

PSYCHE – it was the robot dinosaurs, obviously!  I honestly can't even remember if Aloy was in the announcement trailer; it could've been Ronald McDonald fighting that giant Thunderjaw, and I wouldn't have noticed unless it stepped on his dumb red shoe and made a squeaking noise. Anyway, the point is I've been excited about Horizon Zero Dawn for years*, so when Joe brought up the possibility of playing it two weeks early, I was more than happy to jump on the review.

Well, I was mostly happy to jump on the review. I realize that this pity party is going to be a table for one, but a lot of work and pressure goes into reviewing a video game. Not only must you finish playing the game before embargo deadline, you have to formulate a concrete opinion about the experience (that half the gaming community is going to hate no matter what it is), and then turn those ideas into words that don't sound stupid when you type them on the stupid blank page that won't stop mocking you with how stupidly blank it is.

This is all doubly true when reviewing a big game that everyone is looking forward to, and not some bargain bin horse hockey that would earn you the video game equivalent of a Purple Heart just for playing it to completion. In that sense, playing a big game for review is kind of like being handed a giant bowl of ice cream, then having your grandpa point a gun at your head and tell you that you have to eat it all in one sitting (I'm not sure why it has to be your grandpa, but you can't deny it adds some emotional weight to the metaphor). If you're thinking, "Can I go to those mountains?

" You can! You probably also work in PR… Naturally, a reviewer's job is to…

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